The Forbidden Expedition Read online

  For Shirley and Fred Dayus.

  Thank you for the warm welcome into your family—and for raising the best man I have ever known.

  Polar Bear Explorers’ Club Rules

  ALL Polar Bear explorers will keep their mustaches trimmed, waxed, and well groomed at all times. Any explorer found with a slovenly mustache will be asked to withdraw from the club’s public rooms immediately.

  EXPLORERS with disorderly mustaches or unkempt beards will also be refused entry to the members-only bar, the private dining room, and the gentlemen’s billiards room without exception.

  ALL igloos on club property must contain a flask of hot chocolate and an adequate supply of marshmallows at all times.

  ONLY polar bear–shaped marshmallows are to be served on club property. Additionally, the following breakfast items will be prepared in polar bear–shape only: pancakes, waffles, crumpets, sticky pastries, fruit jellies, and donuts. Please do not request alternative animal shapes from the kitchen—including penguins, walruses, woolly mammoths, and yetis—as this offends the chef.

  MEMBERS are kindly reminded that when the chef is offended, insulted, or peeved, there will be nothing on offer in the dining room whatsoever except for buttered toast. This toast will be bread-shaped.

  EXPLORERS must not hunt or harm unicorns under any circumstances.

  ALL Polar Bear Explorers’ Club sleighs must be properly decorated with seven brass bells and must contain the following items: five fleecy blankets, three hot water bottles in knitted sweaters, two flasks of emergency hot chocolate, and a warmed basket of buttered crumpets (polar bear–shaped).

  PLEASE do not take penguins into the club’s saltwater baths; they will hog the Jacuzzi.

  ALL penguins are the property of the club and are not to be removed by explorers. The club reserves the right to search any suspiciously shaped bags. Any bag that moves by itself will automatically be deemed suspicious.

  ALL snowmen built on club property must have appropriately groomed mustaches. Please note that a carrot is not a suitable object to use as a mustache. Nor is an eggplant. If in doubt, remember that the club president is always available for consultation regarding snowmen’s mustaches.

  IT is considered bad form to threaten other club members with icicles, snowballs, or oddly dressed snowmen.

  WHISTLING ducks are not permitted on club property. Any member found with a whistling duck in his possession will be asked to leave.

  Upon initiation, all Polar Bear explorers shall receive an explorer’s bag containing the following items:

  One tin of Captain Filibuster’s Expedition-Strength Mustache Wax

  One bottle of Captain Filibuster’s Scented Beard Oil

  One folding pocket mustache comb

  One ivory-handled shaving brush, two pairs of grooming scissors, and four individually wrapped cakes of luxurious foaming shaving soap

  Two compact pocket mirrors

  Desert Jackal Explorers’ Club Rules

  MAGICAL flying carpets are to be kept tightly rolled when on club premises. Any damage caused by out-of-control flying carpets will be considered the sole responsibility of the explorer in question.

  ENCHANTED genie lamps must stay in their owners’ possession at all times.

  PLEASE note: Genies are strictly prohibited at the bar and at the bridge tables.

  TENTS are for serious expedition use only and are not to be used to host parties, gatherings, chin-wags, or chitchats.

  CAMELS must not be permitted—or encouraged—to spit at other club members.

  JUMPING cacti are not allowed inside the club unless under exceptional circumstances.

  PLEASE do not remove flags, maps, or wallabies from the club.

  CLUB members are not permitted to settle disagreements via camel racing between the hours of midnight and sunrise.

  THE club kangaroos, coyotes, sand cats, and rattlesnakes are to be respected at all times.

  MEMBERS who wish to keep all their fingers are advised not to torment the giant desert hairy scorpions, irritate the bearded vultures, or vex the spotted desert recluse spiders.

  EXPLORERS are kindly asked to refrain from washing their feet in the drinking water tureens at the club’s entrance, which are provided strictly for our members’ refreshment.

  SAND forts may be constructed on club grounds, on condition that explorers empty all sand from their sandals, pockets, bags, binocular cases, and helmets before entering the club.

  EXPLORERS are asked not to take camel decoration to extremes. Desert Jackal Explorers’ Club camels may wear a maximum of one jeweled necklace, one tasseled headdress and/or bandana, seven plain gold anklets, up to four knee bells, and one floral snout ornament.

  Upon initiation, all Desert Jackal explorers shall receive an explorer’s bag containing the following items:

  One foldable leather safari hat or one pith helmet

  One canister of tropical-strength giant desert hairy scorpion repellent

  One shovel (please note this object’s usefulness in the event of being buried alive in a sandstorm)

  One camel-grooming kit, consisting of organic camel shampoo, camel eyelash curlers, head brush, toenail trimmers, and hoof polishers (kindly provided by the National Camel-Grooming Association)

  Two spare genie lamps and one spare genie bottle

  Jungle Cat Explorers’ Club Rules

  MEMBERS of the Jungle Cat Explorers’ Club shall refrain from picnicking in a slovenly manner. All expedition picnics are to be conducted with grace, poise, and elegance.

  ALL expedition picnicware must be made from solid silver and kept perfectly polished at all times.

  CHAMPAGNE carriers must be constructed from high-grade wicker, premium leather, or teakwood. Please note that champagne carriers considered “tacky” will not be accepted onto the luggage elephant under ANY circumstances.

  EXPEDITION picnics will not take place unless there are scones present. Ideally, there should also be magic lanterns, pixie cakes, and an assortment of fairy jellies.

  EXOTIC whip snakes, alligator snapping turtles, horned baboon tarantulas, and flying panthers must be kept securely under lock and key while on club premises.

  DO NOT torment or tease the jungle fairies. They will bite and may also catapult tiny, but extremely potent, stink-berries. Please be warned that stink-berries smell worse than anything you can imagine, including unwashed feet, moldy cheese, elephant poo, and hippopotamus burps.

  JUNGLE fairies must be allowed to join expedition picnics if they bring an offering of any of the following: elephant cakes, striped giraffe scones, or fizzy tiger punch from the Forbidden Jungle Tiger Temple.

  JUNGLE fairy boats have right of way on the Tikki Zikki River under all circumstances, including when there are piranhas present.

  SPEARS are to be pointed away from other club members at all times.

  WHEN traveling by elephant, explorers are kindly asked to supply their own bananas.

  IF and when confronted by an enraged hippopotamus, a Jungle Cat explorer must remain calm and act with haste to avoid any damage befalling the expedition boat (please note that the Jungle Navigation Company expects all boats to be returned to them in pristine condition).

  MEMBERS are courteously reminded that owing to the size and smell of the beasts in question, the club’s elephant house is not an appropriate venue in which to host soirees, banquets, galas, or shindigs. Carousing of any kind in the elephant house is strictly prohibited.

  Upon initiation, all Jungle Cat explorers shall receive an explorer’s bag containing the following items:

  An elegant mother-of-pearl knife and fork, inscribed with the explorer’s initials

  One silverware polishing kit

>   One engraved Jungle Cat Explorers’ Club napkin ring and five luxury linen napkins—ironed, starched, and embossed with the club’s insignia

  One magic lantern with fire pixie

  One tin of Captain Greystoke’s Expedition-Flavor Smoked Caviar

  One corkscrew, two cheese knives, and three wicker grape baskets

  Ocean Squid Explorers’ Club Rules

  SEA monster, kraken, and giant squid trophies are the private property of the club, and cannot be removed to adorn private homes. Explorers will be charged for any decorative tentacles that are found to be missing from their rooms.

  EXPLORERS are not to fraternize—or join forces—with pirates or smugglers during the course of any official expedition.

  POISONOUS puffer fish, barbed-wire jellyfish, saltwater stingrays, and electric eels are not appropriate fillings for pies or sandwiches. Any such requests sent to the kitchen will be politely rejected.

  EXPLORERS are kindly asked to refrain from offering to show the club’s chef how to prepare sea snakes, sharks, crustaceans, or deep-sea monsters for human consumption. This includes the creatures listed in the rule immediately above. Please respect the expert knowledge of the chef.

  THE Ocean Squid Explorers’ Club does not consider the sea cucumber to be a trophy worthy of reward or recognition. This includes the lesser-found biting cucumber, as well as the singing cucumber and the argumentative cucumber.

  ANY Ocean Squid explorer who gifts the club with a tentacle from the screeching red devil squid will be rewarded with a year’s supply of Captain Ishmael’s Premium Dark Rum.

  PLEASE do not leave docked submarines in a submerged state; it wreaks havoc with the club’s valet service.

  EXPLORERS are kindly asked not to leave deceased sea monsters in the hallways or in any of the club’s communal rooms. Unattended sea monsters are liable to be removed to the kitchens without notice.

  THE South Seas Navigation Company will not accept liability for any damage caused to their submarines. This includes damage caused by giant squid attacks, whale ambushes, and jellyfish plots.

  EXPLORERS are not to use the map room to compare the length of squid tentacles or other trophies. Please use the marked areas within the trophy rooms to settle any private wagers or bets.

  PLEASE note: Any explorer who threatens another explorer with a harpoon cannon will be suspended from the club immediately.

  Upon initiation, all Ocean Squid explorers shall receive an explorer’s bag containing the following items:

  One tin of Captain Ishmael’s Kraken Bait

  One kraken net

  One engraved hip flask filled with Captain Ishmael’s Expedition-Strength Salted Rum

  Two sharpened fishing spears and three bags of hunting barbs

  Five tins of Captain Ishmael’s Harpoon Cannon Polish

  CHAPTER ONE

  STELLA STARFLAKE PEARL SAT down on her favorite ice bench in the backyard and sighed. Her recent expedition with her friends Beanie, Shay, and Ethan had been extensively covered in all the papers and expedition journals—not just because the four junior explorers had been the first to reach the coldest part of the Icelands, and not only because Stella was the first girl to ever be admitted to the Polar Bear Explorers’ Club, but also because it turned out that Stella was actually an ice princess.

  She looked over at the witch puppet she’d brought back with her from the Icelands. When she’d discovered it was a magical thing that could move around all by itself, she’d been delighted, but her adoptive father, Felix, had insisted on taking the puppet away and shutting it up in the top room of the East Wing.

  From her position on the bench, Stella could now just make out the pointed outline of the witch’s hat as the puppet walked up and down the windowsill of the turreted bedroom. Every now and then the witch would stop and rap her wooden knuckles on the glass. The sound carried clearly to Stella through the frozen air, making her shiver.

  “She won’t be locked up forever,” Felix had promised. “But we can’t be too careful. This puppet is an exact likeness of Jezzybella. Not only did she kill your parents, but she tried her best to kill you, too. I’ve heard of witches making images of themselves and then being able to see through their eyes. If that’s what this puppet is, then we can’t have it anywhere near you.”

  Stella knew that what Felix said was perfectly sensible, and yet deep in her gut she couldn’t help feeling that he was wrong about the puppet. Yes, it was a toy version of the witch who had killed the snow queen and king, but Stella had felt compulsively drawn to it back at the ice castle, and she still did somehow now.

  The small, sad sound of the puppet rapping her tiny knuckles against the glass carried through the air once again, and she had to force herself not to run up to the turret to let her out. Felix had sent for a puppet expert from Coldgate, and until he arrived she would leave the witch where she was.

  Stella smoothed out the powder-blue skirts of her dress and ran a finger lightly over the sparkly silver crowns stitched into the fabric. Her magical tiara had been put on display with other curiosities at the Polar Bear Explorers’ Club, and word of the junior explorers’ adventures had traveled fast. In the two weeks since she’d been back, gifts had poured in from people Stella had never even met. There had been dresses, lace gloves, beautiful boxes of pink jellies dusted with powdered sugar, tiny unicorn dolls, and more besides.

  At first Stella had been delighted. Everyone likes getting presents, after all, and people send rather nice ones to ice princesses. But they send not-so-nice things too. Letters saying that ice princesses did not belong in civilized society, that they ought to stay out in the wilds of the Icelands, nursing their frozen hearts and casting their evil spells. Felix had taken those letters and tossed them straight onto the fire, telling her to pay them no heed and that everything would die down soon enough, but Stella still felt a cold little stone of worry about it, right in the pit of her stomach.

  She was distracted from her concerns when her pet polar bear, Gruff, came lumbering over to her across the snowy lawn. Felix had rescued Gruff from the snow just like he had rescued Stella, and the great white bear had been her best friend for as long as she could remember. Visitors to the house were often startled by his enormous size—especially when he stood up on his back legs, which he did whenever he really wanted to show off and look fantastically handsome. He stood more than ten feet tall, towering over even the tallest man. He’d done this the first time he’d ever met Aunt Agatha—Felix’s overbearing, bossy sister—who had let out the most terrible shriek and then fainted dead away in a cloud of petticoats and perfume. Stella had thought the screaming and fainting was terribly rude, especially as Felix had made Gruff look very handsome with a fetching bow tie he’d had specially made for the occasion.

  Gruff shoved his black nose into the pockets of Stella’s cloak in search of his favorite fish biscuits. She gave him a gentle shove and told him to sit. He flumped down obediently in the snow, and Stella rewarded him by tossing him a treat. The bear crunched it up happily, spraying crumbs everywhere, then licked Stella’s cheek before lumbering off toward the lake. Felix had told Stella once that polar bears were very fast runners and could reach top speeds of twenty-five miles an hour, but Stella had never seen Gruff move any faster than a sedate lumber. This may have been because Gruff had been born with a twisted paw, but then again, perhaps he was just a big old lazy bear (which is what Stella really thought).

  She stood up from the bench. There was no point moping around worrying. Felix always said that if you were feeling a bit anxious or upset, the best solution was to jump straight into doing something useful and/or fun. Preferably fun, of course, because fun things were much more effective at cheering up a person than a useful thing could ever be.

  Stella glanced over to where Felix stood on the terrace, examining the glass fairy globe the fairies had given him the day before. Fairies were terribly fond of Felix, so it made sense that his explorer’s specialty should
be fairyology. There were several fairies flitting about him now—Stella could see the sparkle of their wings from across the yard.

  Felix looked up and gave Stella a wave. She waved back and then settled herself down in the snow to make a snow bear. She would have much preferred to make a snow unicorn, but they were a lot more difficult and she had never managed to get one quite right. She put her gloved hand down, ready to scoop up her first snowball, when a crackle of blue sparks leapt from her fingertips.

  She froze. There before her was a perfect, sparkling snow unicorn. It was no more than four inches tall, but Stella could see each individual strand of hair in its flowing mane, the twists in its white horn, and even a collection of fine, feathered eyelashes. The unicorn’s beautiful snow eyes gazed directly at Stella, as if it could really see her—as if it was waiting for her to say something.

  Stella gazed around in confusion. Had someone else come into the backyard and made the unicorn? But there was nobody around except for Felix, and even he couldn’t make snow animals as detailed and perfect as that. And surely it hadn’t been there just moments ago. One minute she had wished for a unicorn made of snow, and the next, sparks had shot from her fingers and one had appeared. Almost like magic. But Stella couldn’t do ice magic. Not without her tiara. And that was miles away in a cabinet inside the Polar Bear Explorers’ Club. …

  Slowly, she reached out a hand toward the unicorn. As her fingertips got closer, she could have sworn that one of its ears twitched, just slightly—

  The sound of breaking glass made her jump, and she snatched back her hand.

  “Stella!” Felix shouted, and she was alarmed by the sound of panic in his voice.

  She turned to look over her shoulder and saw that he had dropped the glass fairy globe, which lay in sparkling fragments at his feet. Stella clapped both hands to her mouth in dismay. Fairy globes were one in a million, and Felix wasn’t likely to come across one ever again. What could possibly have caused him to drop something so precious?